Lost and Found



Hai there. Assalamualaikum.

I have a few questions to ask.Have you been in a circumstance when you felt so guilty? A feeling that you really feel so shame and want to blame yourself for every single thing? Dejected, Sorrow, and all the sadness keep on shadowing you? And what makes you think hard is, you don’t have anyone to lend your shoulders upon to, and do not have someone who can lend their ears for you.
And if they are, they not even understand your feeling. Just hear and say that “ I understand…”. Hmpph… have you?

           Lately, these couple of days(maybe a month) makes me feel bothersome with so many matter.I feel so dejected and depressed. I really want to cry out loud and start blaming myself for everything that happened. You know, when there are times, when you’re not supposed to do like this and that, but you’re just doing it. I think I should not call it as a mistake, since I know that what I did was something that completely wrong. *sigh*

           Feeling loss, somehow the feeling that keeps bring my spirit down in vain. Worthless. Empty. All that type of feeling. So bad am I?

I once had come to this situation, when I was in Sester. I don’t know, but when I think about it again, it was really a wretched week for me. Ahhh, to think about that again really make my heart aches. But, never mind, it is already pass and I’m still alive, so yeahh no worry..

It been tough days for me at that time. I did not want to face anybody for real, and I really wished to disappear at that current time. It was a day, on a weekend. When I felt so frustrated. After fajr prayer at Surau, I came across to lose out all the things that strangled in mind. Then, I decided to go to the school’s field. I ran. I stopped and I really want to cry so badly. I screamed out loud seems I think nobody was there. I screamed as much my heart felt. The feeling of bitterness, the feeling of awfulness and the feeling of letting go the people that really made my days horrible at that time.

I screamed! I never scream like that in my entire life and I did it!

I felt so WOW. Hahaha. I did it! The thing that I really want to do in my life…and I did it!. Before that, I just keep it in my heart and just swallow every little bad thing that I heard. Just watched the scenery from the window and let my mind wandered by.

Hah, after I found out myself like a crazy person, screaming alone and blabbering to the sky…. I felt a little bit calm. I calmed myself.

Hahaha, and for that, I found out, a strange woman that lives in the neighbourhood, opened up the window. Maybe she woke up as soon as I screamed “BANGUN SUBUH!!!” . hahaha. How bad am I wasn’t it? She might think “ What’s wrong with that girl, acting weird and making noise at this hour..?” . Sorry makcik ! My bad. Ngeh.

But, when I think thoroughly, it is not about letting out the thing using scream and shout. Well, I think it is not wrong do so, but there is another efficient way to share your stories with. Which is for me, talk to Him. Talk to Allah. Surely, for that, you will found abundant peace and it will shine back your hope. Just make sujood and feel the power of letting your ego out. Put trust on Him, tell Him everything and you can feel that He is All Hearing and He knows everything. Cry if you can. You will see how amazing the power of du’a which connects you to Allah swt.

Remember those days, make me miss it more.

Maybe those days were more challenging and need more patience, but what makes me strong at that time is, the trust that I put on Him.

Allah will not burden a soul without it can’t bear.

Pray for me, may I have the strength to hold this faith and iman to the high level, InshaAllah. May all of you have a blessing Jumaah.

Now, dear self, 

Smile.

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