I have a few questions to ask.Have you been in a
circumstance when you felt so guilty? A feeling that you really feel so shame
and want to blame yourself for every single thing? Dejected, Sorrow, and all
the sadness keep on shadowing you? And what makes you think hard is, you don’t
have anyone to lend your shoulders upon to, and do not have someone who can
lend their ears for you.
And if they are, they not even understand your feeling. Just
hear and say that “ I understand…”. Hmpph… have you?
Lately, these couple of days(maybe a month) makes me feel bothersome with so many matter.I feel so dejected and depressed. I really want
to cry out loud and start blaming myself for everything that happened. You
know, when there are times, when you’re not supposed to do like this and that,
but you’re just doing it. I think I should not call it as a mistake, since I
know that what I did was something that completely wrong. *sigh*
Feeling
loss, somehow the feeling that keeps bring my spirit down in vain. Worthless.
Empty. All that type of feeling. So bad am I?
I once had come to this situation, when I was in Sester. I
don’t know, but when I think about it again, it was really a wretched week for
me. Ahhh, to think about that again really make my heart aches. But, never
mind, it is already pass and I’m still alive, so yeahh no worry..
It been tough days for me at that time. I did not want to
face anybody for real, and I really wished to disappear at that current time.
It was a day, on a weekend. When I felt so frustrated. After fajr prayer at
Surau, I came across to lose out all the things that strangled in mind. Then, I
decided to go to the school’s field. I ran. I stopped and I really want to cry
so badly. I screamed out loud seems I think nobody was there. I screamed as
much my heart felt. The feeling of bitterness, the feeling of awfulness and the
feeling of letting go the people that really made my days horrible at that
time.
I screamed! I never scream like that in my entire life and I
did it!
I felt so WOW. Hahaha. I did it! The thing that I really
want to do in my life…and I did it!. Before that, I just keep it in my heart
and just swallow every little bad thing that I heard. Just watched the scenery
from the window and let my mind wandered by.
Hah, after I found out myself like a crazy person, screaming
alone and blabbering to the sky…. I felt a little bit calm. I calmed myself.
Hahaha, and for that, I found out, a strange woman that
lives in the neighbourhood, opened up the window. Maybe she woke up as soon as
I screamed “BANGUN SUBUH!!!” . hahaha. How bad am I wasn’t it? She might think
“ What’s wrong with that girl, acting weird and making noise at this hour..?” .
Sorry makcik ! My bad. Ngeh.
But, when I think thoroughly, it is not about letting out
the thing using scream and shout. Well, I think it is not wrong do so, but
there is another efficient way to share your stories with. Which is for me,
talk to Him. Talk to Allah. Surely, for that, you will found abundant peace and
it will shine back your hope. Just make sujood and feel the power of letting
your ego out. Put trust on Him, tell Him everything and you can feel that He is
All Hearing and He knows everything. Cry if you can. You will see how amazing
the power of du’a which connects you to Allah swt.
Remember those days, make me miss it more.
Maybe those days were more challenging and need more
patience, but what makes me strong at that time is, the trust that I put on
Him.
Allah will not burden a soul without it can’t bear.
Pray for me, may I have the strength to hold this faith and
iman to the high level, InshaAllah. May all of you have a blessing Jumaah.
It have been a long time isn’t? Yeah sure, I don’t know
whether I’m doing the right thing right now, but seriously I had plan this for such
a couple of months ago. And there here is, an appreciation post for my Graixat.
Before that, mind me to use English and Bahasa in my writing
because I think it is more comfortable for me,even though my Grammar is pretty
bad *ugh* . Sorry Grace. (Peace no war).
Tiga haribulan tiga
D-day. Hari yang cerah, bangun awal pagi semestinya.
Entahlah, perasaan pagi tu bercampur-baur. Resah, gelisah, redha dan apa-apalah
semuanya ada. Boleh nak kata, secukup rasa la. Masa tu boleh nak dikatakan
twitter, facebook, Instagram and any other things, heboh tentang isu SPM 2015
je. Pretty much, ada jugak yang bunyi macam ni “Siapa tanya aku soal result…
aku block!” . emm cayalah.
And, the day began. Whatsapp masuk tak henti-henti ucap wish
goodluck sana sini. Yes, I think waktu tu apa yang saya harapkan keajaiban je.
Not only me, all of us. Kan? Hoping for miracle. Humm.
Sester._ toleh kanan, toleh kiri.
Wahh, Graixat bergaya semua der. Semua dah lawa, cantik ,
segak belaka. Hah, excluding me of course.
Waktu berlalu, usai jumpa cikgu dan sebagainya, kini tiba
waktunya,
Waktu yang ditunggu-tunggu.
Dup dap dup dap.
“Seramai 21 orang pelajar yang berjaya mendapat Straight
As’.” Senyum. Hahh, I thought I will cry on this day. The chances to be one of
them is tipis senipis kulit bawang mungkin.
And then, nama setiap sorang dipanggil. I’m so proud of you
buddies. Of course, tak boleh tinggal encik Syazani yang dah berjaya harumkan
nama Graixat, Sester. Congrats from me.
Gila. Siapa je yang taknak berdiri atas stage tu. Harapan
semua orang kot. But at that time, I never thought I smile. And seriously, I
don’t feel so dejected. Yes, I can’t deny I felt a bit sad of course, for not
able to be the one of them. But, I feel glad for them. They deserved it.
Congrats !
Its okay. I calmed myself.
Then, we took pictures. Under the hot blazing sun, seriously
I bet some of you gave a force smile.
But then,I realized.I found something
that is more sad than the result. Yes, it is the last time we took pictures
together. Or in the other meaning,
it is the last time GRAIXAT is together
as one batch.
Like seriously waktu tu, banyak benda nak cerita, banyak
benda nak kongsi. Banyak benda nak imbas balik, and I don’t know…. It just over
like that. Macam semuanya berakhir macam tu. I cannot deny, some of us, ada
yang jumpa balik , lepak sesama. Itu tak rare. But, you know, that moment.
Moment last kita. Chances GRAIXAT nak jumpa balik as one batch, I mean all of
us, percentage dia tu boleh dikatakan 1% . Yeahh, it seems imposibble, and boleh bayang tak. Hari tu merupakan hari last kita semua bersama, and it is already past. But yes,if
Allah wills, nothing can stop Him. And for that, ada banyak kemungkinan, ada sesetengah mungkin akan brjumpa kembali, in a day, in a week, maybe ten years later, atau ada kemungkinan itu ialah hari terakhir kita bersua.
Even hari tu pun, bukan semua kelibat kita jumpa. Ada yang
datang lewat, balik awal.
For sure, despite the end of the day, bila last day
SPM tu, can you imagine The day, macam hectic sangat. Semua benda nak arrange,
nak feel the kemerdekaan but at the same time, need to manage with all these
types of feeling. Gembira ada, nak loncat pun ada, nak nangis pun ada….
And poor thing, I cannot say proper goodbye to all of you.
And, I just realized, time flies really fast. Eventually. Yup.
And the countdown actually gave a really big hint for our ending , but we just don’t realized
it.
I know, I’m nobody for these two years. I might be
nobody to you, but you are somebody to me.
To be honest, these 2 years, really help me a lot. Like, can
you feel it? Yeah, I cannot deny some of the days, ada masam dia, ada pahit dia
and ada juga masa kita semua merasa manis sama-sama. And for that, I learnt a lot. Maybe, for some
of your experiences, and kenakalan, and kebaikan yang all of you and I ada
buat, really help me to find strength. For the things dimana saya ada belajar cara
untuk membina kematangan di sebalik perlakuan kurang matang saya, perbuatan yang
lebih perlukan banyak buah fikiran dan segala benda yang berlaku, MashaAllah
banyak sangat ibrah yang saya dapat.
And I want to say thank you to all of you, Graixat.
Thanks for the days, it seems all of sudden tetibe je saya
menulis ni, agak awkward. Hahaha. But if you can feel me, I hope you can understand
how I miss a lot of the old days.
Ingat lagi, waktu zaman ‘bukan el nino’, hahaha, masa banjir
teruk hari tu. Waktu tu, perasaan sangat risau. Dengar berita sana sini, kata
itu ini, and yeah I got so much worries at that time. Hahaha,and I found out I
cried to hear stories about the flood because of too much worries about Graixaters. Serious talk.
And tak lupa, waktu Naim hilang , and saat tangki air pecah.
I thought at that time, ada tsunami melanda kot. Hahaha, I’m about to climb up
the chairs. And waktu KESUMA, waktu olahraga, banyak sangat sampai tak boleh
nak list dalam ni. Alfa, Beta, Sigma and Gamma of course, semua main peranan dalam unit
simpanan memoriku.Ada banyak sangat kalau nak berthrowback, takut nanti
terthrowback benda yang tak sepatutnya ,matiku. Fuh.
And yeah, betul la, sester ni ialah medan perubahan. Whoever
know me for the 5 years, they know how much I had change, and for those who
know me till today, you also know how much I have change too right?
Dan, saya ambil kesempatan ni nak minta maaf kalau ada salah
silap. Maaf sebab tak mampu nak beri
contoh teladan yang baik. Kalau ada sebarang hutang misalnya, tolong halalkan
ehk? Huhu. And saya nak ucapkan banyak2 terima kasih buat semua. For real sebab
banyak sangat membantu dan terima kasih sebab muncul dalam salah satu fasa
kehidupan saya. I know some of us, tak
begitu rapat tapi mungkin ada dua tiga benda saya belajar daripada kalian secara
langsung dan tak langsung. For sure, daripada sebesar-besar benda hingga sekecil-kecil benda. Hinggakan hal pencuci muka mana yang natural or bahan chemical pun saya berterima kasih tau.! :D
Teruskan. Teruskan buat baik. I mean, not because someone push
you to do so but because of yourself. Which means, buat je. Kebaikan ni luas.
Contoh, kalau kita makan nasi dengan lauk sampai habis, kita tengok biasa-biasa
je, tapi mana tahu waktu tu, ada orang perhatikan kita makan nasi sampai habis, memberi dia kesedaran supaya tak membazir. Hah Sounds simple right? tapi boleh
beri contoh teladan yang baik untuk orang lain. Contoh yang lain yang
mainstream lagi, kita study dengan penuh semangat, disebabkan kita ada aura
positif tu, kita mampu membangkitkan mereka2 yang rasa lesu dan kuyu nak study,
and end up mereka study jugak. (emm bolok nya ayat) .And I learnt by that. I mean banyak benda saya dah
belajar daripada anda semua. Tak lebih tak kurang, semua orang ada kelemahan dan kelebihan masing-masing kan? Hahaha gila la, mana ada manusia sempurna betul tak?Yappss,Kecuali Nabi
Muhammad saw.
“Sekolah tempat kita belajar. Buatlah salah, sebab dekat
sini ada cikgu, ada kawan yang betulkan kita. Nanti, bila kita dah jadi boss,
bila kita dah masuk university, bila kita dah kerja pangkat tinggi, susah nak
cari orang yang berani tegur kesalahan kita. Sebab tu ambil pengajaran daripada
kesalahan di sini dan gunakan waktu kita dah besar nanti” – Ustaz Farid
Ambil la pengajaran ya, kalau saya ada buat silap, ambil
pengajarannya. Jangan ikuti langkah saya, tapi buat benteng macam mana nak elak
daripada melakukan perkara yang sama. Same as others,jika kita belajar daripada
pengalaman orang lain, jika kita lihat dari sudut yang positif ,sebenarnya
every little thing tu memberi ibrah yang teramat hebat. And for sure, ia akan
mematangkan kita dan buat kita jadi lebih bersyukur. Sebab dalam dunia ni,
bukan kita sorang je yang dilanda masalah, semua orang dilanda masalah, so cari
jalan macam mana nak keluar daripada masalah, sama ada refleksi diri kita
semula dan belajar daripada pengalaman orang lain. Tak gitu?
Wuhuuu. Matlamat sebenar tulis benda ni sebenarnya nak
lepaskan rindu je alih2 sampai sini pulaks. Huhu. Takpelah kan? Sekali sekala.
Lepas ni susah dah nak dapat word by word direct from me.Haha This is special one
la kiranya. Orang kata, kalau sahabat tanda dia sayang sahabatnya, dia tegur
kesalahan sahabat dia. Dan bukan bermakna kita tegur tu tanda kita sempurna.
Kadang, orang yang menegur ni sebenarnya sedang menegur dirinya sendiri.
Supaya tak alpa, supaya tak leka. And saya sangat sangat sangat berterima kasih
kepada sesiapa yang pernah tegur kesilapan saya, yang pernah tegur kelalaian
saya, dan yang memperingati saya kepada Tuhan. Maseh nehh! ;D
Fuhh , panjang la puloks.
Aaa. Jap jap jap. Jangan skip lagi. Ade sikit lagi nak oyak
nim.
“Kalau tak mampu buat semua, jangan tinggal semua”
I know you know. Kan? Yeah, same to me. Bukan senang nak
jaga diri sendiri. But at least berusaha kay. Jangan biarkan 2 tahun tarbiyah
dekat sester luput begitu je, eishh susah kot nak dapat balik environment macam
tu unless you make it yourself. So, I know it is hard, but try your best.
Jangan tinggal semua, at least buat skit2 yang masih berbaki tu. Kalau kita
dulu selalu amalkan mathurat petang why not keep on doing it? Maybe ada yang
tak mampu buat pagi, takpe buat petang dulu. And of couse, Yang penting jangan tinggal and
keep on improving. Wow, like a powerful reminder me for me too.
Al-Quran dan solat jangan pernah tinggal ya! ;D
And Graixat. Let bygone be bygone can we? Let get a fresh
start. Even though some us ada yang pergi Asasi berbeza, matrik, Ipg, stpm, or
any other private university and ada yang ambik A-level, I wish you Good Luck.
Allah Yuftah Alaikum. Kalau dah nanti sambung belajar obersi, jangan lupa tanah tumpahnya darahku. Kalau dulu kita jatuh, jangan terus jatuh. Bangun semula,
dan buktikan kali ni kita mampu. Okay senyum ! Biarlah berapa pun kita dapat
dahulu, kita cipta yang baru. Kita cipta yang baru yang lebih indah, can we?
For that, we can prove to our super juniors later about ‘the comeback is real’.
I hope to hear good news from all of you. 4.00 here we go!
And and and…. Do whatever you wish you like gaiss.
Kalau minat melukis, teruskan asah bakat anda!
Kalau minat baca buku, teruskan saratkan minda anda dengan ilmu
baru!
Kalau minat sukan tu, apa salahnya ceburkan diri! Kalau minat melancong, teruskan merantau keliling dunia!
Kalau minat kucing, buatlah zoo kucing kat rumah. Letakla nama Lili sekor. erk
Kalau minat si dia, jangan goyang kaki, boleh terus pm tepi!
Heh Lol.
Tak la, boleh terus tunggu depan pintu rumah dia la, biar
hidup diberkati.
Hahaha ,wahai. ^.^''
Tak kisah la buat apa-apa pun, janji…..
Janji Allah redha! Hoyeahh.!
Yang penting. Jangan lupa ini dua tahun *peace*! [Senyum]
I know I should’ve held you closer
I know I should’ve treated you better
Bumi ni kecik, tapi hakikatnya bukan senang nak jumpa orang yang kita nak jumpa. Sampaikan rindu ini melalui doa, semoga Dia terus limpahkan kasih kepada si pedamba cinta. Kalau sekiranya kita dah tak akan berjumpa di dunia, pastikan kita semua akan berjumpa di syurga sana. Wokeh? *wink*
Ismi Maliihah Nur. Terima kasih kerana sudi menziarahi blog marhaen. Tinggalkan jejak dan pesanan anda dengan menekan pink girl sebelah kanan. Moga Allah Redha :D
