Lost and Found

Hai there. Assalamualaikum.

I have a few questions to ask.Have you been in a circumstance when you felt so guilty? A feeling that you really feel so shame and want to blame yourself for every single thing? Dejected, Sorrow, and all the sadness keep on shadowing you? And what makes you think hard is, you don’t have anyone to lend your shoulders upon to, and do not have someone who can lend their ears for you.
And if they are, they not even understand your feeling. Just hear and say that “ I understand…”. Hmpph… have you?

           Lately, these couple of days(maybe a month) makes me feel bothersome with so many matter.I feel so dejected and depressed. I really want to cry out loud and start blaming myself for everything that happened. You know, when there are times, when you’re not supposed to do like this and that, but you’re just doing it. I think I should not call it as a mistake, since I know that what I did was something that completely wrong. *sigh*

           Feeling loss, somehow the feeling that keeps bring my spirit down in vain. Worthless. Empty. All that type of feeling. So bad am I?

I once had come to this situation, when I was in Sester. I don’t know, but when I think about it again, it was really a wretched week for me. Ahhh, to think about that again really make my heart aches. But, never mind, it is already pass and I’m still alive, so yeahh no worry..

It been tough days for me at that time. I did not want to face anybody for real, and I really wished to disappear at that current time. It was a day, on a weekend. When I felt so frustrated. After fajr prayer at Surau, I came across to lose out all the things that strangled in mind. Then, I decided to go to the school’s field. I ran. I stopped and I really want to cry so badly. I screamed out loud seems I think nobody was there. I screamed as much my heart felt. The feeling of bitterness, the feeling of awfulness and the feeling of letting go the people that really made my days horrible at that time.

I screamed! I never scream like that in my entire life and I did it!

I felt so WOW. Hahaha. I did it! The thing that I really want to do in my life…and I did it!. Before that, I just keep it in my heart and just swallow every little bad thing that I heard. Just watched the scenery from the window and let my mind wandered by.

Hah, after I found out myself like a crazy person, screaming alone and blabbering to the sky…. I felt a little bit calm. I calmed myself.

Hahaha, and for that, I found out, a strange woman that lives in the neighbourhood, opened up the window. Maybe she woke up as soon as I screamed “BANGUN SUBUH!!!” . hahaha. How bad am I wasn’t it? She might think “ What’s wrong with that girl, acting weird and making noise at this hour..?” . Sorry makcik ! My bad. Ngeh.

But, when I think thoroughly, it is not about letting out the thing using scream and shout. Well, I think it is not wrong do so, but there is another efficient way to share your stories with. Which is for me, talk to Him. Talk to Allah. Surely, for that, you will found abundant peace and it will shine back your hope. Just make sujood and feel the power of letting your ego out. Put trust on Him, tell Him everything and you can feel that He is All Hearing and He knows everything. Cry if you can. You will see how amazing the power of du’a which connects you to Allah swt.

Remember those days, make me miss it more.

Maybe those days were more challenging and need more patience, but what makes me strong at that time is, the trust that I put on Him.

Allah will not burden a soul without it can’t bear.

Pray for me, may I have the strength to hold this faith and iman to the high level, InshaAllah. May all of you have a blessing Jumaah.

Now, dear self, 


Warkah buat Graixat XV

credit to fhmi lazin

Emm Hai.Assalamualaikum, Graixaters.

It have been a long time isn’t? Yeah sure, I don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing right now, but seriously I had plan this for such a couple of months ago. And there here is, an appreciation post for my Graixat.
Before that, mind me to use English and Bahasa in my writing because I think it is more comfortable for me,even though my Grammar is pretty bad *ugh* . Sorry Grace. (Peace no war).

Tiga haribulan tiga
D-day. Hari yang cerah, bangun awal pagi semestinya. Entahlah, perasaan pagi tu bercampur-baur. Resah, gelisah, redha dan apa-apalah semuanya ada. Boleh nak kata, secukup rasa la. Masa tu boleh nak dikatakan twitter, facebook, Instagram and any other things, heboh tentang isu SPM 2015 je. Pretty much, ada jugak yang bunyi macam ni “Siapa tanya aku soal result… aku block!” . emm cayalah.

And, the day began. Whatsapp masuk tak henti-henti ucap wish goodluck sana sini. Yes, I think waktu tu apa yang saya harapkan keajaiban je. Not only me, all of us. Kan? Hoping for miracle. Humm.

Sester._ toleh kanan, toleh kiri.

Wahh, Graixat bergaya semua der. Semua dah lawa, cantik , segak belaka. Hah, excluding me of course.
Waktu berlalu, usai jumpa cikgu dan sebagainya, kini tiba waktunya,
Waktu yang ditunggu-tunggu.

Dup dap dup dap.

“Seramai 21 orang pelajar yang berjaya mendapat Straight As’.” Senyum. Hahh, I thought I will cry on this day. The chances to be one of them is tipis senipis kulit bawang mungkin.
And then, nama setiap sorang dipanggil. I’m so proud of you buddies. Of course, tak boleh tinggal encik Syazani yang dah berjaya harumkan nama Graixat, Sester. Congrats from me.

Gila. Siapa je yang taknak berdiri atas stage tu. Harapan semua orang kot. But at that time, I never thought I smile. And seriously, I don’t feel so dejected. Yes, I can’t deny I felt a bit sad of course, for not able to be the one of them. But, I feel glad for them. They deserved it. Congrats !
Its okay. I calmed myself.

Then, we took pictures. Under the hot blazing sun, seriously I bet some of you gave a force smile.
But then,I realized. I found something that is more sad than the result. Yes, it is the last time we took pictures together. Or in the other meaning,
it is the last time GRAIXAT is together as one batch.

Like seriously waktu tu, banyak benda nak cerita, banyak benda nak kongsi. Banyak benda nak imbas balik, and I don’t know…. It just over like that. Macam semuanya berakhir macam tu. I cannot deny, some of us, ada yang jumpa balik , lepak sesama. Itu tak rare. But, you know, that moment. Moment last kita. Chances GRAIXAT nak jumpa balik as one batch, I mean all of us, percentage dia tu boleh dikatakan 1% . Yeahh, it seems imposibble, and boleh bayang tak. Hari tu merupakan hari last kita semua bersama, and it is already past. But yes,if Allah wills, nothing can stop Him.

And for that, ada banyak kemungkinan, ada sesetengah mungkin akan brjumpa kembali, in a day, in a week, maybe ten years later, atau ada kemungkinan itu ialah hari terakhir kita bersua. 

Even hari tu pun, bukan semua kelibat kita jumpa. Ada yang datang lewat, balik awal. 
For sure, despite the end of the day, bila last day SPM tu, can you imagine The day, macam hectic sangat. Semua benda nak arrange, nak feel the kemerdekaan but at the same time, need to manage with all these types of feeling. Gembira ada, nak loncat pun ada, nak nangis pun ada….

And poor thing, I cannot say proper goodbye to all of you.

And, I just realized, time flies really fast. Eventually. Yup. And the countdown actually gave a really big hint for our ending , but we just don’t realized it.
I know, I’m nobody for these two years. I might be nobody to you, but you are somebody to me.

To be honest, these 2 years, really help me a lot. Like, can you feel it? Yeah, I cannot deny some of the days, ada masam dia, ada pahit dia and ada juga masa kita semua merasa manis sama-sama.  And for that, I learnt a lot. Maybe, for some of your experiences, and kenakalan, and kebaikan yang all of you and I ada buat, really help me to find strength.  For the things dimana saya ada belajar cara untuk membina kematangan di sebalik perlakuan kurang matang saya, perbuatan yang lebih perlukan banyak buah fikiran dan segala benda yang berlaku, MashaAllah banyak sangat ibrah yang saya dapat.

And I want to say thank you to all of you, Graixat.

Thanks for the days, it seems all of sudden tetibe je saya menulis ni, agak awkward. Hahaha. But if you can feel me, I hope you can understand how I miss a lot of the old days.
Ingat lagi, waktu zaman ‘bukan el nino’, hahaha, masa banjir teruk hari tu. Waktu tu, perasaan sangat risau. Dengar berita sana sini, kata itu ini, and yeah I got so much worries at that time. Hahaha,and I found out I cried to hear stories about the flood because of too much worries about Graixaters. Serious talk.

And tak lupa, waktu Naim hilang , and saat tangki air pecah. I thought at that time, ada tsunami melanda kot. Hahaha, I’m about to climb up the chairs. And waktu KESUMA, waktu olahraga, banyak sangat sampai tak boleh nak list dalam ni. Alfa, Beta, Sigma and Gamma of course, semua main peranan dalam unit simpanan memoriku.Ada banyak sangat kalau nak berthrowback, takut nanti terthrowback benda yang tak sepatutnya ,matiku. Fuh.

And yeah, betul la, sester ni ialah medan perubahan. Whoever know me for the 5 years, they know how much I had change, and for those who know me till today, you also know how much I have change too right?

Dan, saya ambil kesempatan ni nak minta maaf kalau ada salah silap.  Maaf sebab tak mampu nak beri contoh teladan yang baik. Kalau ada sebarang hutang misalnya, tolong halalkan ehk? Huhu. And saya nak ucapkan banyak2 terima kasih buat semua. For real sebab banyak sangat membantu dan terima kasih sebab muncul dalam salah satu fasa kehidupan saya.  I know some of us, tak begitu rapat tapi mungkin ada dua tiga benda saya belajar daripada kalian secara langsung dan tak langsung. For sure, daripada sebesar-besar benda hingga sekecil-kecil benda. Hinggakan hal pencuci muka mana yang natural or bahan chemical pun saya berterima kasih tau.! :D

Teruskan. Teruskan buat baik. I mean, not because someone push you to do so but because of yourself. Which means, buat je. Kebaikan ni luas. Contoh, kalau kita makan nasi dengan lauk sampai habis, kita tengok biasa-biasa je, tapi mana tahu waktu tu, ada orang perhatikan kita makan nasi sampai habis, memberi dia kesedaran supaya tak membazir. Hah Sounds simple right? tapi boleh beri contoh teladan yang baik untuk orang lain. Contoh yang lain yang mainstream lagi, kita study dengan penuh semangat, disebabkan kita ada aura positif tu, kita mampu membangkitkan mereka2 yang rasa lesu dan kuyu nak study, and end up mereka study jugak. (emm bolok nya ayat) .And I learnt by that. I mean banyak benda saya dah belajar daripada anda semua. Tak lebih tak kurang, semua orang ada kelemahan dan kelebihan masing-masing kan? Hahaha gila la, mana ada manusia sempurna betul tak?Yappss,Kecuali Nabi Muhammad saw.

“Sekolah tempat kita belajar. Buatlah salah, sebab dekat sini ada cikgu, ada kawan yang betulkan kita. Nanti, bila kita dah jadi boss, bila kita dah masuk university, bila kita dah kerja pangkat tinggi, susah nak cari orang yang berani tegur kesalahan kita. Sebab tu ambil pengajaran daripada kesalahan di sini dan gunakan waktu kita dah besar nanti” – Ustaz Farid

Ambil la pengajaran ya, kalau saya ada buat silap, ambil pengajarannya. Jangan ikuti langkah saya, tapi buat benteng macam mana nak elak daripada melakukan perkara yang sama. Same as others,jika kita belajar daripada pengalaman orang lain, jika kita lihat dari sudut yang positif ,sebenarnya every little thing tu memberi ibrah yang teramat hebat. And for sure, ia akan mematangkan kita dan buat kita jadi lebih bersyukur. Sebab dalam dunia ni, bukan kita sorang je yang dilanda masalah, semua orang dilanda masalah, so cari jalan macam mana nak keluar daripada masalah, sama ada refleksi diri kita semula dan belajar daripada pengalaman orang lain. Tak gitu?

Wuhuuu. Matlamat sebenar tulis benda ni sebenarnya nak lepaskan rindu je alih2 sampai sini pulaks. Huhu. Takpelah kan? Sekali sekala. Lepas ni susah dah nak dapat word by word direct from me.Haha This is special one la kiranya. Orang kata, kalau sahabat tanda dia sayang sahabatnya, dia tegur kesalahan sahabat dia. Dan bukan bermakna kita tegur tu tanda kita sempurna. Kadang, orang yang menegur ni sebenarnya sedang menegur dirinya sendiri. Supaya tak alpa, supaya tak leka. And saya sangat sangat sangat berterima kasih kepada sesiapa yang pernah tegur kesilapan saya, yang pernah tegur kelalaian saya, dan yang memperingati saya kepada Tuhan. Maseh nehh! ;D

Fuhh , panjang la puloks.

Aaa. Jap jap jap. Jangan skip lagi. Ade sikit lagi nak oyak nim.

“Kalau tak mampu buat semua, jangan tinggal semua”

I know you know. Kan? Yeah, same to me. Bukan senang nak jaga diri sendiri. But at least berusaha kay. Jangan biarkan 2 tahun tarbiyah dekat sester luput begitu je, eishh susah kot nak dapat balik environment macam tu unless you make it yourself. So, I know it is hard, but try your best. Jangan tinggal semua, at least buat skit2 yang masih berbaki tu. Kalau kita dulu selalu amalkan mathurat petang why not keep on doing it? Maybe ada yang tak mampu buat pagi, takpe buat petang dulu. And of couse, Yang penting jangan tinggal and keep on improving. Wow, like a powerful reminder me for me too.

Al-Quran dan solat jangan pernah tinggal ya! ;D
And Graixat. Let bygone be bygone can we? Let get a fresh start. Even though some us ada yang pergi Asasi berbeza, matrik, Ipg, stpm, or any other private university and ada yang ambik A-level, I wish you Good Luck. Allah Yuftah Alaikum. Kalau dah nanti sambung belajar obersi, jangan lupa tanah tumpahnya darahku. 
Kalau dulu kita jatuh, jangan terus jatuh. Bangun semula, dan buktikan kali ni kita mampu. Okay senyum ! Biarlah berapa pun kita dapat dahulu, kita cipta yang baru. Kita cipta yang baru yang lebih indah, can we? For that, we can prove to our super juniors later about ‘the comeback is real’. I hope to hear  good news from all of you. 4.00 here we go!

And and and…. Do whatever you wish you like gaiss.
Kalau minat melukis, teruskan asah bakat anda!
Kalau minat baca buku, teruskan saratkan minda anda dengan ilmu baru!
Kalau minat sukan tu, apa salahnya ceburkan diri!
Kalau minat melancong, teruskan merantau keliling dunia!
Kalau minat kucing, buatlah zoo kucing kat rumah. Letakla nama Lili sekor. erk
Kalau minat si dia, jangan goyang kaki, boleh terus pm tepi! Heh Lol.
Tak la, boleh terus tunggu depan pintu rumah dia la, biar hidup diberkati.
Hahaha ,wahai. ^.^''

Tak kisah la buat apa-apa pun, janji…..
Janji Allah redha! Hoyeahh.!

Yang penting. Jangan lupa ini dua tahun *peace*! [Senyum]

I know I should’ve held you closer
I know I should’ve treated you better

Bumi ni kecik, tapi hakikatnya bukan senang nak jumpa orang yang kita nak jumpa. Sampaikan rindu ini melalui doa, semoga Dia terus limpahkan kasih kepada si pedamba cinta. Kalau sekiranya kita dah tak akan berjumpa di dunia, pastikan kita semua akan berjumpa di syurga sana. Wokeh? *wink*

For those yang tak tahu siapakah ini Graixat XV

Anda boleh check out these amazing videos by FLD:

Creating Memories every second 2014

Recap Remember 2015

Sampai sini saja kot. Emm bhai. 

Huhu mohon jangan kecam saia! 

See you again!

Btw, Graixat , ada hadiah untuk anda.


areef- 365 days

Assalamualaikum, nah sebagai halwa telinga di waktu lapang.

Areef - 365 Days
Lirik : Areef
Lagu : Areef
Terbitan : Tarbiah Sentap Studio

Producer: Amin Nordin
Music Arrangement: Greg Henderson
Backup Vocal: Amin, Areef & Mahdi.
Mixing: Greg Henderson
Mastering: CL Toh
Recording studio: Tarbiah Sentap Studio.

Jika kau tanya tentang cinta
Ia penuh suka duka
Berkasih tanpa nikah
Tiada gunanya

Jika kau tanya tentang dunia
Ia hanya sementara
Berharta dan bermewah
Tanpa bahagia

Kan ku bimbing jalanmu,
Kan ku temanimu,
Sepanjang apa pun kau cari...

Kau temanku
365 days,
Ku perlukanmu,
24/7 yes I am..

Kau kawanku,
365 days,
Ku perlukanmu,
24/7 yes I am..

Jika kau tanya tentang kawan,
Dia penghibur di jiwa,
Agama yang utama,
Susah senang bersama,

Kan ku bimbing jalanmu,
Kan ku temani mu,
Sehingga jumpa yang kau cari!

Kita kan berpisah jua,
Sehari nanti...
Ku hanya meminjam nyawa,
Kita kan pergi..
Tapi katamu dan jasa,
Kan ku ingati!!


shattered into pieces, broken apart,
They ask me why,
The cry shadows by,
The sorrow traps upon me,
Hoping for a tie,
between a white lie.

Cannot be deny,
the forgiveness that I beg,
the disrectfulness that full of regret,
from the heart mom and dad,
that I did crack.

What do you except,
from a fake light,
to turn everything just right?
The saying of "I'm sorry..."
just keeping it deep inside,
from a mouth of somewhat child,
that's need to learn again,
what honor and respect would be like.

Egoism attacks
the reason behind the crime,
every doom never see the shine,
to fit a day without a pray,
hoping he and she forget it away,
the day;
when rude is me,

to stay shut from the apology,
don't ever try to be...

_maliihahnur [070416 1627]

Monolog : Cuba

Aku kenal pandangan tu,
Pandangan yang kau beri kepadaku,
Pandangan penuh harapan,
Pandangan bersalut impian,
Supaya aku kembali seperti dulu.

Jangan fikir aku mengalah,
Aku kan sudah dewasa,
Kau juga yang kata.
Aku takkan mengalah,
Biar aku asyik rebah,
Biar aku sering kalah,
Dengan nafsu aku sendiri,
Tapi aku takkan mengalah,
Itu janji aku.

Aku kini mungkin tak sama,
Sepertimana pertama kali kita berjumpa,
Aku lebih baik, lebih molek,
Puji kau, seru aku jadi seperti dulu.
Ya, mungkin.
Tapi kau kena tahu satu.
Aku mungkin sahaja bisu,
Senyapnya seribu,
Tiada khabar indah menyingkap kalbu,
Hmph, aku sedang cuba kau tahu?
Cuba untuk kembali seperti dulu.